lots of good and bad moments, which are really what all days are composed of. but it’s how you handle things that counts, right? i think i handled things well.
today was supposed to be a water fast. but i needed to go to starbucks to study/do work so i allowed myself to have a drink and i did end up getting a huge ridiculous drink which justified by arguing that i wasn’t going to eat anything else. later in the day i had major cravings to eat some taquitos, which i ignored. i did have a few pieces of candy. i planned to work out with my best friend, and i had blood drawn and am on my period, so i figured i would probably die if i didn’t get some amount of sustenance. so i went to chick-fil-a, and of course that triggered a gazillion emotions, but in the end i just asked myself, what would a normal person get? so i just got nuggets. then at ashley’s house i started freaking out and decided that i would get some ribs on my way home and ‘start’ again tomorrow. but somehow i had this magical moment of resistance where i decided i just didn’t want them anymore, and now i’m here, and i’m a little hungry, but i’m more than satisfied with how i did today.
this is what it’s about. little steps. little battles. little victories. the more of these i win, the closer i am to something better. something better not necessarily meaning a flat stomach or thighs that don’t touch, but someplace where i can feel confident in my body again/for the first time.
one of my latest and most frustrating fears is being left behind. my best friend ashley has always been larger than me, and i have definitely eclipsed her in size at this point, which is weird. we have opposite body types so it is hard to compare, but either way she is trying pretty hard to lose weight right now and doing very well. i’m not jealous or anything - i’m very proud, but it’s weird - it seems like everyone in my life is finally getting it together. so many ‘fat’ people from my childhood are slimming down, and i feel like the only one who is doing worse than they were before. i know if i tried hard i could find a few people who have gained weight since college, but none of them were fat before and so it’s not really a fair comparison. i already feel like i have wasted so much time in college not getting my shit together, and it’s terrifying to think that people are passing me by as i struggle to achieve even one day of abstinence from binging.
except now i have today. and i hope to have tomorrow, and many more days. so much of it is this internal work, begging myself to just relax, or to save something for later, or to simply blog things out. so much of it is creating a framework that is strong enough that i don’t slip through but not so restrictive that i am constantly looking for escapes.
i just want to be free. and part of it is being at a much lower weight, but another part is just not having to binge and figuring how to be happy without binging and how to ‘eat normally.’ right now i am feeling good and continue to feel good because i avoided a multi-thousand calorie pitfall this evening. while i know i would have enjoyed the meal, i would also be poorer for it and feel shitty and i would probably have initiated a binging cycle that would take yet another week or few days away from my success. as i have discovered in the hardest and worst way possible, days and weeks “off” become months and years off. and it is really, really fucking hard to get back on.
i know what it takes. i know it takes lots of writing and introspection, lots of planning, and lots of inner battles that are very hard to fight. but i also know what it’s worth, both in the short term and in the long term. i know that as much as my mind likes to rationalize that it’s just one bite/taste/meal/day, it’s always much more than that. it’s my future, my health, my mood, my life. i have too much going for me outside of my body to waste any more time.
love,
-y
