today went well. definitely ate off plan, but i didn’t binge again so that makes two binge free days in a row. this feels good even though i am kind of hungry. probably because i should be asleep. i will go to sleep. but writing is important. i have to keep the train heading towards the station. i really need to sleep.
love love love
y
2 slim fasts (400 calories)
1 lean cuisine (~300 calories)
1 skinny cow bar (150 calories)
room for something else that i will update later.
i will do an exercise dvd of some sort. or quite possible run on the treadmill.
woke up and weighed-in at 274.4. obviously that’s horrible, but earlier in the week i was weighing-in at almost 280, so this is good. i’m trying to get down to 269-270 the day i leave. i’m hoping to be 235 when i get back. I’ll be in the great nation of Ghana for 16 weeks and in paris for one week, so if i lose a normal 2 pounds per week, i’ll hit the goal.
this is going to be really hard and not so hard in many ways. i’m not really a fan of ghanaian food, or at least not most of it. i’m hoping that this alone will at least help the whole addiction-y part of things since nothing there is really meaty or sugary or dripping in fat/oil. what’s kind of scary is that a lot of the girls who do the program end up gaining weight, but i think it’s honestly because they’re all super skinny to begin with and their homestay people force them to eat.
that is the other side of the coin - the homestay. this basically means i have very little control over what i’ll be eating, let alone calorie info or portion sizes. again, i’m hoping that the fact that i don’t really like ghanaian food will make things easier. also just already being soooo overweight hopefully means that i don’t need to eat 1200 calories a day just to lose weight. but again, you never know. also, i’ve had the most success doing atkins, which may just be because i was committed to it, but maybe not, and it worries me that ghana is such a starch-based food place (that was not elegantly worded at all…)
but all these things just mean i have to try my hardest to control what i can. what i can control is my water consumption (which needs to be really really high), exercise, and the meals that i do get to choose. i’m going to try to run and do floor exercises while i’m there, and obviously to choose healthy low-cal food whenever i have the option to.
this water calculator i did online says i need five liters a day, so i will make it a point while i’m gone to get in that much water, not just to keep my water weight down, but also because supposedly it’ll help you stay healthy while abroad. i will try to exercise for 4 hours per week starting out, and depending on free time, i will increase to 5 or even 6 by the end of the semester.
the other thing that sucks is obviously not having any access to scales throughout the ENTIRE semester. i guess that means it will be really interesting to see what happens when i get back, but it does kind of suck because i am so used to daily weigh-ins when i am trying to get back on track. i will try to at least find a tape measure, and maybe i will take a picture of myself in an outfit and see how i look in the same outfit when i return. my friend ashley is on a diet, and her mom showed us this picture of her from last summer where you could reallyyy tell the difference. i have seen this effect, unfortunately in the opposite direction. but hopefully this time it will be different.
i’m really hoping/praying that being away from american food culture will make it easier to diet. i know there will be issues of culture shock, depression, and frustration that will plague me along the way, but hopefully as these things are happening i’ll find new ways to cope and live and get through the frustrations of life.
what’s good is that i woke up this morning and wanted to weigh in. and pray. and blog. and i know that these are the activities that keep me strong. and when i don’t want to do these things i am in a bad place. i need to make these things habitual so that even when i’m not in the mood to do them, i still will.
lots of good and bad moments, which are really what all days are composed of. but it’s how you handle things that counts, right? i think i handled things well.
today was supposed to be a water fast. but i needed to go to starbucks to study/do work so i allowed myself to have a drink and i did end up getting a huge ridiculous drink which justified by arguing that i wasn’t going to eat anything else. later in the day i had major cravings to eat some taquitos, which i ignored. i did have a few pieces of candy. i planned to work out with my best friend, and i had blood drawn and am on my period, so i figured i would probably die if i didn’t get some amount of sustenance. so i went to chick-fil-a, and of course that triggered a gazillion emotions, but in the end i just asked myself, what would a normal person get? so i just got nuggets. then at ashley’s house i started freaking out and decided that i would get some ribs on my way home and ‘start’ again tomorrow. but somehow i had this magical moment of resistance where i decided i just didn’t want them anymore, and now i’m here, and i’m a little hungry, but i’m more than satisfied with how i did today.
this is what it’s about. little steps. little battles. little victories. the more of these i win, the closer i am to something better. something better not necessarily meaning a flat stomach or thighs that don’t touch, but someplace where i can feel confident in my body again/for the first time.
one of my latest and most frustrating fears is being left behind. my best friend ashley has always been larger than me, and i have definitely eclipsed her in size at this point, which is weird. we have opposite body types so it is hard to compare, but either way she is trying pretty hard to lose weight right now and doing very well. i’m not jealous or anything - i’m very proud, but it’s weird - it seems like everyone in my life is finally getting it together. so many ‘fat’ people from my childhood are slimming down, and i feel like the only one who is doing worse than they were before. i know if i tried hard i could find a few people who have gained weight since college, but none of them were fat before and so it’s not really a fair comparison. i already feel like i have wasted so much time in college not getting my shit together, and it’s terrifying to think that people are passing me by as i struggle to achieve even one day of abstinence from binging.
except now i have today. and i hope to have tomorrow, and many more days. so much of it is this internal work, begging myself to just relax, or to save something for later, or to simply blog things out. so much of it is creating a framework that is strong enough that i don’t slip through but not so restrictive that i am constantly looking for escapes.
i just want to be free. and part of it is being at a much lower weight, but another part is just not having to binge and figuring how to be happy without binging and how to ‘eat normally.’ right now i am feeling good and continue to feel good because i avoided a multi-thousand calorie pitfall this evening. while i know i would have enjoyed the meal, i would also be poorer for it and feel shitty and i would probably have initiated a binging cycle that would take yet another week or few days away from my success. as i have discovered in the hardest and worst way possible, days and weeks “off” become months and years off. and it is really, really fucking hard to get back on.
i know what it takes. i know it takes lots of writing and introspection, lots of planning, and lots of inner battles that are very hard to fight. but i also know what it’s worth, both in the short term and in the long term. i know that as much as my mind likes to rationalize that it’s just one bite/taste/meal/day, it’s always much more than that. it’s my future, my health, my mood, my life. i have too much going for me outside of my body to waste any more time.
love,
-y
this is manifesta number 1000, and that is perfectly okay.
i am allowing myself to become whole. i have remained in pieces for too long. i have indulged and still felt empty, i have hoped without truly hoping, i have dreamed in way that has only ensured that my dreams will remain as far a possible from my reality.
i am worthy and i am good. i know this, and as much as my self-esteem has plunged throughout my college career, this is something i have come to understand more and more each day. every day, i am privy to the inner-workings of privilege, every day i learn and see corruption and capitalism at work, destroying dreams and lives. i am lucky enough to be a visionary. i am not resigned. not yet. i am lucky enough to be young and privileged in some ways and not privileged in others and this makes it so easy to see so many things that are wrong. i am privileged enough to see.
i continue to realize that this gift is too rare and too precious to be wasted. my life is a gift to the world, and i have so much to give back that it is actually a crime against humanity to continue wallowing in self-pity and self-hatred. i have too much going for me. i can no longer continue to keep myself down.
today, in my body, i feel cursed. i feel like a bottom feeder. i feel like nothing. but in my soul and in my mind, i know that i am worth something. i know that i am a special breed and that i am worth a lot.
two things have to occur. i have to work on my body because right now the body that i am in is a result of self-hatred and misery. it isn’t just about getting to a certain place - it’s also about the everyday actions that keep me where i am. i need to feel like every day counts - because it does. beyond all the superficial shit, this is the core of my problems. i need to make every day, every action, every moment count.
the second thing is that i have to realize that i am more than just a body. i am not a body. i have a body. i am a soul. this body is a vessel, one that i should treat well and not use to express other problems, but it is also just that - a vessel. i am more than the piece of equipment that my soul is carried in. i am more than i appear. but no one will believe that if i don’t.
and i have to believe it because in the end, my body will never be perfect. my body will never be an expression of who i really am. my body will never reflect all that i have to offer because of this world that i live in. and what can you do? it’s easiest to just change yourself.
there are a lot of problems. there is me, there is my body, there is my family, there is my school, my friends, our society, our world. i can only start with me.
these are the things that i can do right now to make this easier and more likely to work out.
1. not carrying cash/credit which make it too easy to ruin things
2. thinking positively vs. thinking about ruining things
3. carrying the cards, even just one.
4. grounding myself when i see 1:11, 2:22, etc. instead of wishing for nothing
5. taking showers regularly and doing nice things for my body instead of treating myself like a troll
6. writing obviously, everyday
7. finding other people who are struggling like me.
i have to move forward. i have been in the same hole for what seems like a million years. i am further in this hole than ever before. but i am still a good person. i still believe in humanity, in the beauty of life. i am still very lucky, and i still have a lot of time. a lot of time that i no longer want to waste.
be not the slave of your own past..plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, and with new power, with an enhanced experience, that shall explain and over-look the old. - rwe
today is a practice day. i’m not giving myself a food plan, because nothing i have right now is that good for me, and i need to clean out the fridge and kitchen.
today i want to practice looking for cues so that i know for later how to react to being upset, cravings, etc.
today i want to enjoy the sun and get a lot of work done.
love and peace.
here are some ideas i have for avoiding failure.
morning and evening rituals.
wake up. kneel and pray. read ‘how to be okay’ aloud. go to the gym. come back, shower, do all of the good body things you should do. prepare coffee or tea. have a good day.
come to bed. more good body things. write down your plans for the next day. read eating mindfully. read a bible verse. pray for love and forgiveness. sleep.
give yourself a time to wake up, and a time to sleep. put at least 9 hours between the two. and then wake up when you’re supposed to, the first time.
